Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Tue Jun 23, 2015 2:43 pm

sarah t wrote:I was wondering would a clever electrician be a 'bright spark'?


Very good Sarah.

Two fishermen talking.

1st fisherman. What is the bait you're using?
2nd fisherman. Liquorice.
1st fisherman. What are you catching?
2nd fisherman. Allsorts!
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby sarah t » Wed Jun 24, 2015 10:14 am

SubHuman wrote:
sarah t wrote:I was wondering would a clever electrician be a 'bright spark'?


Very good Sarah.

Two fishermen talking.

1st fisherman. What is the bait you're using?
2nd fisherman. Liquorice.
1st fisherman. What are you catching?
2nd fisherman. Allsorts!


groan but :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Jul 07, 2015 11:28 pm

I was in the restroom of a restaurant and saw this sign: Employees Must Wash Hands.
Well, I waited and waited, but no one came in.
So I finally washed my hands myself.
The Earth Smiles In Flowers - e.e. cummings
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby JJ » Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:51 pm

Happy birthday Sandrine. :)
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Mon Jul 27, 2015 2:44 am

Thank you, JJ. Old is what you get if you are Lucky. No joke.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:05 am

JJ wrote:Happy birthday Sandrine. :)


Errr...shouldn't this be in the forum/members area JJ? Just joking and yes happy belated birthday Sandrine.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Fri Aug 07, 2015 6:28 am

Thanks Subhuman.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sat Oct 10, 2015 1:39 am

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"

The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby sarah t » Sat Oct 10, 2015 1:42 pm

Sandrine 7557 wrote:A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"

The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."


ooh that sounds pretty awful but yeah I am laughing at that.

Thanks Sandrine... good to hear from you, hope you are well and everything is good in your life
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Mon Oct 12, 2015 3:24 am

Hi Sarah, I'm okay, thanks... Hope all is well for you, too!
Here's another , anyway -- The Problem Solver!

Okay, Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.

Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.

He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Mon Oct 12, 2015 10:28 am

That's funny Sandrine but disgusting at the same time.

Right here's one: Qestion, how many civil servants does it change to change a light bulb?

Answer, five: one to inspect the bulb and determine in needs to be changed; a second to write the requisition requesting it is changed after a third, health and safety officer said it couldn't be done in house, a forth to raise the contract to change the light bulb and finally a fifth to inspect the work done by the contactor to change the light bulb and sign the invoice.

This is all sad but true costs about £150 instead of 60p.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Thu Nov 12, 2015 12:32 pm

Morris is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them...

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property? the idiot had a newspaper route."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sun Dec 06, 2015 9:35 am

......omg......
1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.



2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.



3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.



5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.



6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.



7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.



9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.



10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.



11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."



12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.



13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.



14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."



16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.



17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.



18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.



19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.



20. Whiteboards are remarkable.



21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby JJ » Mon Dec 07, 2015 4:31 am

Love 'em Sandrine, especially number IV!!

Sandrine 7557 wrote:5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.


I used that in my best man's speech for my mate - I changed it to 6 months. :)
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Wed Dec 09, 2015 8:39 am

Here's another I like, then:

Four Engineers get in a car. The car won't start.
The Mechanical Engineer says, "It's a broken starter."
The Electrical Engineer says, "Dead battery."
The Chemical Engineer says, "Impurities in the gasoline."
The IT Enginner says, "Hey guys. I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby ToyotaCityBoy » Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:12 pm

I posted something about the U.S. presidential campaign on Facebook this morning, which led to KraftwerkDave and Stig coming up with this. It's too funny to leave hidden in a Facebook comment... :)

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid ... =3&theater
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby sarah t » Fri Dec 01, 2017 11:58 am

Just started to dip into my 'Dennis Waterman Years - Minder' DVD set which I recently bought and it started me thinking back to the 80s and have just found this appropriately seasonal offering... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1fIubz7tZs :)
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