Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 10:58 pm

Alright, we talkin' cats Dave?! lol......Here is my Favorite Ever Cat Vid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNldd6uQOTI
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Sep 02, 2014 2:56 am

Morris is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them...

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property? the idiot had a newspaper route."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Thu Sep 04, 2014 11:14 am

An old one:- Euripides trousers I slapa your face.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby pc100 » Wed Sep 24, 2014 2:26 pm

The new Welsh Dating Agency has just been launched,Ewetube.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:55 pm

PC100, I Love your joke!!

Another:
A man goes to see a doctor for a check-up. At the end of the examination he turns to the doctor and asks how long he has to live. The doctor replies "Ten". The man looks confused and says "Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor replies, "Nine, eight, seven..."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:38 pm

Sandrine 7557 wrote:PC100, I Love your joke!!

Another:
A man goes to see a doctor for a check-up. At the end of the examination he turns to the doctor and asks how long he has to live. The doctor replies "Ten". The man looks confused and says "Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor replies, "Nine, eight, seven..."


Sounds like a quote from Starship Troopers, the book not the film.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Fri Oct 10, 2014 12:46 pm

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Nov 04, 2014 3:06 pm

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a footstool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride to town and pick up women..."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:25 pm

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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Nov 25, 2014 2:47 pm

Two dead canaries for sale on e bay,
not going cheep.

My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair,
but she'll come crawling back.

An old man at confession-
"Father, today I had sex with 18-year-old twins. Oy vey"
Priest: "You're clearly Jewish so why are you telling me?
Old man: "I'm telling everybody."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 2:53 pm

Two little boys aged 8 &10 were extremely mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boy's mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children.
So she asked the preacher if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed. But he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice asked the boy sternly...
"Do you know where God is? Son!"
The boy made no response;
just sat there wide eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner voice.
"Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and now shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
The boy screamed and ran out from the room, directly to his home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When the older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath replied "Brother, we are in big trouble this time...


"God is missing, and they think we did it!!!"
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Fri Dec 12, 2014 12:19 am

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:17 am

Made me laugh Sandrine.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 12:41 pm

A Beautiful Woman in a party asked an Attractive Army Major: When did you last have had your way with a beautiful woman like me?

Major: 1955

Wow she said. That was long ago. Wanna have some bedroom fun now?
Major looked at his watch: Sure, its only 2130 now!
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:53 pm

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby chopper » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:52 pm

Sandrine 7557 wrote:Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Very funny,I do like a good giggle.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sun Dec 21, 2014 3:45 pm

(1)An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

(2)A guy goes into a bank.
The clerk says,’Can I help you, sir’
He goes, ’ Yea u f***ing b**ch I wanna open a f**king account’
Clerk, ’Please there’s no need for cursing’
I just wanna open a f**king account.’
’Sir I’ll help you but watch your language’
So the manager comes over,’ Is there a problem here?’
Dude says,’ I’m trying to f**king open an account and this motherf**king bi**ch won’t let me.’
’Please sir don’t curse and how much are you opening the account with?’
Dude,’ 7 million $’
Manager,’ And this motherf**king bi**ch ain’t helping’ you?’
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Mon Dec 29, 2014 3:55 am

This Woman Was About To refuse Her Maid A Raise, But She Said this.

The maid asked for raise and the wife was upset.

Wife:"Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid:"There are three reasons . The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife:"Who said that?"

Maid:"Your husband."

Wife:"oh"

Maid:"The second reason is that I am better cook than you."

Wife:"Who said that?"

Maid:"Your husband."

Wife:"Oh"

Maid:"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife:"Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid:"No, the gardener did."

Wife:"So, How much do you want?"
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby cs15 » Thu Jan 22, 2015 10:10 pm

Meanwhile in the confessional box............

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“Sure and I can’t be telling you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Liz Shannon?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
“Was it Cathy Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“A three-month vacation and five good leads!” says Tommy. =D
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Feb 10, 2015 2:09 pm

Life's Lessons:

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his
wife is finishing up her shower when the
doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor. Before she says a
word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop
that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the
woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back
up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her
husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door
neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband
says, “Did he say anything about the $800
he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk with your shareholders in
time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give
each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me
first!” says the administration clerk. “I want
to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s
gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.
“I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love
of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,”
the Genie says to the manager. The manager
says, “I want those two back in the office
after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have
the first say.
Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in
and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to
reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The
priest removed his hand. But,changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember
Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well
informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing
all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like
you and do nothing all day long?” The crow
answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat
on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing
nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson 5:
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would
love to be able to get to the top of that tree,”
sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the
energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my
droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re
packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked
at a lump of dung and found that it gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he
was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to
the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually
thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came
to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate
him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your
enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is
your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to
keep your mouth shut!
The Earth Smiles In Flowers - e.e. cummings
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Tue Feb 10, 2015 3:03 pm

Very good Sandrine, but did you find these on facebook?
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Feb 10, 2015 5:38 pm

No, Quora. Check out Quora online and here are lots of interesting topics, if one is interested, Dave.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby sarah t » Sat Jun 06, 2015 12:42 pm

A listener called in to the Anneka Rice Radio 2 breakfast show this morning with a riddle, the answer of which I thought rather made me cringe when I heard the answer.

A man has three parrots, one on a top shelf, one on a middle shelf and one on the bottom shelf but he only owns one of them. Which one does he own?

The answer is the bottom shelf one as the other two are on higher perches!
:lol:
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby sarah t » Sat Jun 13, 2015 1:02 pm

We had another listener containing Anneka's Radio 2 breakfast show this morning with this weeks riddle.

I have two coins totalling 60p, one is not a 50p... what are the coins?

Prepare to groan when I say that the answer is...

One is a 10p and the other is a 50p
:)
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby sarah t » Tue Jun 23, 2015 11:31 am

I was wondering would a clever electrician be a 'bright spark'?
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