Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Fri May 09, 2014 10:46 am

Actual discussions between witness/attorney:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

Attorney: Did you actually see my client, the defendant, bite the victim's ear off?
Witness: No sir.
Attorney: Then how can you testify that he did it?
Witness: Because I saw him spit it out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
The Earth Smiles In Flowers - e.e. cummings
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Thu May 15, 2014 1:08 am

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sun May 18, 2014 1:50 am

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.

"I wish I could do that", says one of them.

"Don't you think you should pet him first?" replies his friend.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Mon May 19, 2014 2:30 am

Okay, I'm printing this dirty ol' nasty joke just as I found it---because I refuse to go through it bit by bit and correct all the grammar....so just read it as best as you can!

Charlie gts hme late one night n linda his wife says "where in d hell have u been ?"
Charlie replies- i was out gettin a tattoo

"a tattoo"? She frowned .."wt kind of tattoo did u gt?"..

"i got a $100 bill on my privates" he answered profoundly

"wt d hell wre u thinking ?" She said shakin her head in disgust .. "y on earth an accountant gt a $100 bill on his privates"?

Hillarious reply..
"well one i lyk to watch my money grow..two once in a while i lyk to play wd ma money..three i lyk hw money feels in my hand ..and lastly instead of u going out on shopping u cn stay night here at hme and blow 100 buks any tym u want "

Charlie is recovering in room 223 in emergency ..l
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Fri May 23, 2014 10:21 pm

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, May I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and i'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through the customs for me? Hide it under robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear. But i must warn you, i'll not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." she replied

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The officials asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head, down to the wait I have nothing to declare."
The officials thought this answer was strange, so they asked "And what do you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?"
Father replied "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused"
Roaring with laughter, the officials said "Go ahead Father. Next please!!"
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sat May 24, 2014 2:42 am

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sun May 25, 2014 1:58 am

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad, you’re drunk.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Mon May 26, 2014 3:57 pm

Hmmmm...........

A famous magician does a wonderful trick during a performance. A man in the audience yells out "How did you do that?" The magician warns him "I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you."
The man thinks about it and then replies "Could you tell my wife?
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby cs15 » Tue May 27, 2014 8:44 pm

I apologise in advance for this one.....


In McDonalds an old man placed an order for one hambuger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hambuger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He carefully counted out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
.....As he began to eat a few bites of his hambuger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'that poor couple- all they can afford is one meal between them'. As the man began to eat his fries a young man came over to the table and offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine-they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taken turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything'. Finally, as the old man finished wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered,

"My go of the teeth"
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Thu May 29, 2014 2:32 pm

Haha! Patric, maybe the little old lady's name was Sharon'!! (Sharon Sharalyke!)

Here's one that is actual. Reminds me of the days I taught high school kiddies!


Really Bad Analogies Written By High School Students
http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploa ... udents.jpg
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Fri Jun 13, 2014 3:03 pm

The Earth Smiles In Flowers - e.e. cummings
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sun Jun 15, 2014 3:36 pm

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Wed Jun 18, 2014 4:04 am

Lesson: Wrong use of the word 'Fuck'.

Rocky has broken his leg and his buddy Bob comes over to see him.

Bob: How are you doing ??

Rocky: Fine.

Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Bob goes upstairs & sees Rocky's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.

Bob: Your brother sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Twins: Wha... Prove it!

Bob (Shouting): Hey Rocky, both of them ??

Rocky (Shouting back): Of course! What's d point of fucking one???.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Wed Jun 18, 2014 9:43 am

That's very naughty Sandrine, but funny.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Wed Jun 18, 2014 1:32 pm

Haha, you about summed it up, Dave!
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Mon Jun 23, 2014 9:59 am

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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Wed Jun 25, 2014 5:27 pm

funny, Dave.

Here's another:

Pessimist:It can't get any worse.

Optimist:Yes, It can.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:13 am

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number two samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three samurai?"

Number three samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead!"

"Dead is easy," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Circumcision ... now that takes skill!"
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Wed Jul 16, 2014 10:18 am

1) Based on my calculations, I can retire about 5 years after I die.

2) A Jealous woman does better research than the FBI

3) Her nagging is a sign that she cares. Silence means she's plotting your death.

4) You can always count on me. If you fall, I'll be there. ---Floor
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sat Jul 19, 2014 4:21 am

Not my traditional funny, but this makes me laugh! And I love that right leg shake!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU9MuM4lP18
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sun Jul 20, 2014 1:44 pm

Here come the one-liners!!!

Police are warning of a new 'Alphabet Bomb'.
 If it goes off, it could spell disaster.

Punctuation: 
The difference between “Helping your Uncle, Jack, off his horse.” and "Helping your uncle jack off his horse."

Wikileaks for kids: There's no Santa

Thesaurus.... The most knowledgeable of all dinosaurs.

I'm wearing that new breadcrumb scented after-shave...
The birds love it.

www.conjunctivitis.com - 
A site for sore eyes.

Hot air balloon theft. It's on the rise.

Dead budgie for sale. Not going cheap.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:21 pm

"My friend has a world record for concussions, he lives very close. In fact, just a stones throw away."

Why don't blind men skydive?
Because it scares the s*** out of the dog.

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel. (Nasty!)

The fight we had last night was my fault.
My wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into bar. The bartender looks up and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!

And this Really made me laugh:
Two fish were in a tank. One said "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Wed Jul 23, 2014 9:53 am

Sandrine 7557 wrote:Not my traditional funny, but this makes me laugh! And I love that right leg shake!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU9MuM4lP18


Crumbs, baby even wears the same nappies.
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby Sandrine 7557 » Sat Aug 23, 2014 4:02 pm

This is the Back-To-School vid that is sweeping through the U.S. right now. "Baby Got Class": "I like Big Buses and I Cannot Lie!" is sung to the tune of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back". We think it's funny!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s56-Ta35JRk
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Re: Jokes, funny pictures and other amusing stuff

Postby SubHuman » Sun Aug 24, 2014 1:41 am

Welcome back Sandrine :cool:

I had remembered an old joke while you were away but have just forgotten it.

Oh yes there was a French tart called Meow-Meow when asked why her pimp said "She's a large pussy".
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